Different lives I want to live, School, Books I want to read.

     God, I want to run away, to a warm place along the seaside where I can spend the whole day reading all those books I've always wanted to read, spend my evenings by the sea, dance alone in the kitchen cooking myself a meal(who am I kidding? I suck at cooking, god save me). I want to learn surfing and sailing while I'm at it(I genuinely want to tho). Go on long drives by the seaside blasting Kashmir by Led Zeppelin and watch the sunset setting on a cliff. Breathe like it's my last breath(ew, who says that?) and live a life I've always wanted to. Not have a care in the world(Talking like I'm the most responsible person in the world, haha. nice.) Wouldn't it be nice? (who is going to pay for it? dumbass.)

  At the same time, I want to live a busy life in a busy city. Amidst the crowd, searching for that one thing that'll make my life a whole. Be the boss bitch I've always wanted to be(CRINGE but true). Meet my only 2 friends every weekend and listen to them rant about their jobs and their wrecked love life over a brunch and come home to him and ask him about his day(WHAT KIND OF CARRIE BRADSHAW AM I TRYING TO BE? EW EW EW) Simple yet complicated. Wouldn't it be perfect? (nope)

 I don't want to leave my city to study next year(cause I love this city) yet, I want to go away and live on my own. Study what I want to and read a lot of books. A LOT OF BOOKS, MORE THAN RORY GILMORE:> (chee, dude.) ( Unpopular opinion: I fucking hate that character, Lorelai is so much better than her.) 

 Okay, let's talk about my insecurities. I don't think that I am smart. That's like the only insecurity I have(obviously I have a lot of other insecurities, but they don't really matter. Nothing really matters) I think I am the most stupid person I know. If I were smart, I wouldn't be blogging at 10:40 pm about my stupid thoughts, I'd be studying chemistry(cause, priorities). Maybe I am just lazy. No, I am not lazy, I am not interested, but I am super fucking tired of giving that reason. No one is going to care if I was interested or not, They are going to see how much I scored so that they can sit at home, and judge(even if they don't give a single flying fuck about you) just to feel better about themselves. I pity them. Should I care? Even if I don't want to, I end up caring. A little too much. The effort you put in is the only thing that matters, but what if you don't want to? Not putting in effort and feeling guilty about it puts you in a never-ending cycle and you can never come out of it. Why am I like this? Will I ever figure it out? Will I ever make it? Why does the world work this way? I don't want to get there either. I won't stop thinking about it, again simply a waste of time but hey! I am known for that. 

Moving on;

Books I want to read before turning 18:

Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach (update: done)

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho (tried reading this when I was in the 8th grade, got bored) (update: done)

Other books I want to read: (this heading makes no sense)

1984 by George Orwell. 

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer. 

Goldfinch By Donna Tartt (Update: watched the movie instead like a dumbass)

The list will go on.  

I want to leave this picture I found on Pinterest(yes I am a Pinterest girl, go cry about it).

                                                                                    Fin.